Many Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress have called for U.S. military intervention to stop the flow of fentanyl from Mexico. The Onion asked conservatives why the United States should invade Mexico, and this is what they said.
“Why be the most powerful nation in the world if you’re not going to abuse it?”
“What other choice do we have outside of investing in our own people?”
“We must do it for our closest ally, the Spanish Empire.”
“There isn’t enough blood of innocents in the streets when I go visit my time-share.”
“I hear they’re hoarding all the best fentanyl for themselves.”
“I ate an enchilada and it gave me heartburn.”
“When a country is your main trading partner, invading it is just common sense.”
“They already have so much violence down there. We just have an obligation as Americans to make it worse.”
“Condoleezza Rice told me Mexico has WMDs.”
“My motto has always been kill first, think later.”
“I’ll take any excuse to visit Tulum!”
“Why just kill people at the border when there’s a whole country full of them on the other side?”
“They deserve to pay for dumping Texas on us.”
“The American people have been very good little boys and girls. Don’t you think they’ve earned a war?”
“Every time a poor person dies I get $100, so I say do it.”
“I drew a cartoon of Saddam Hussein wearing a sombrero and I got scared.”
“If the United States isn’t actively invading someplace for no reason, this country isn’t doing it’s job.”
“I would love the opportunity to take all this torture I’ve been workshopping on tour.”
“El Chapo keeps popping up in my lawn like a gopher and I can’t kill the fucker.”
“The commute would be so easy.”
“We haven’t gotten a great modern war movie since Zero Dark Thirty.”
“It would be interesting to see how we’d fuck that one up too.”
“It’s the only way to stop the cartel from prescribing opioids.”
“Right now it’s illegal for me to take clippings from the protected Mexican wildlife, but if I enlisted, passed boot camp in record time, was immediately deployed to the front lines, somehow survived, and went AWOL, I could probably sneak a few rare varieties of saguaro back, which would finally impress the other guys in my local cactus-growing group.”
“Well, we got a little trigger-happy and already started.”
“Get out of my room! God, don’t you ever knock?”
“We warned them to speak English, and they didn’t listen.”