Taylor Swift has a notoriously rich, famous, and glamorous group of friends most commonly referred to as her “squad.” The Onion asked current and former squad members what they thought of her new romance with football player Travis Kelce, and this is what they said.
“He seems relatively normal for a guy who has a podcast.”
“She should tread carefully. What if he writes a football game about her?”
“He’s bigger than the others. The hive will have extra nourishment.”
“He’s one of the more helpful State Farm employees she’s dated.”
“Everyone deserves to find true, cross-promotional love.”
“It’s cool how he hasn’t said anything blatantly racist in a super public forum.”
“I looked into his soul and saw nothing but darkness and Gatorade.”
“It’s heartening to know the good-looking athlete can still get the girl well into adulthood.”
“He’s somehow the most diverse person she’s ever dated.”
“Hey, two more spare kidneys around is fine by me.”
“He was pretty chill when I tattooed his dog without asking.”
“Because of him, I learned what Kansas City is.”
“Nothing soothes the sting of a painful and public divorce like being asked about your best friend’s new relationship.”
“The squad will provide comment upon reaching the two-thirds voting majority required to ratify a boyfriend.”
“He is large, which will make him very easy to find if we ever lose him in an airport, mall, or amusement park.”
“I swear to God, if someone brings up Taylor Swift again, I’m going to jump out my window.”
“He’s a famous football player, and I wonder how she’ll handle the spotlight.”
“Until she tells me what to think, I have no opinion.”