Despite Kevin McCarthy’s attempts to placate the far-right flank of his party, relations are strained between the House speaker and GOP hard-liners. The Onion asked Republicans to explain why McCarthy must be ousted from his leadership role, and this is what they said.
“This is not personal. It’s just me wanting to see how that fucker squirms when I put a penknife in his gut and start to twist it.”
“Fat.”
“Once that spineless McCarthy is out of the picture, the only thing that stands in the way of creating a far-right-wing utopia is the will of a majority of the voting public.”
“It’s time a woman of color was House speaker.”
“He broke his promise to be even more recklessly cruel than he already is.”
“Trying to reinstitute segregation and miscegenation laws is too important to be left to someone like Kevin McCarthy.”
“Yeehaw! It’s oustin’ season, baby!”
“I voted for him under the clear condition that he would introduce me to his granddaughter.”
“It’s not fair that only one person gets to be House speaker. I think we should all get to be in charge.”
“I’ve always said there’s something suspicious about the fact that Kevin isn’t Donald Trump.”
“He got caught going to secret antifa meetings.”
“Why, it’s the perfect early Hallow’s Eve trick, of course!”
“This is all part of a psychosexual ‘will they, won’t they’ I have going on with the speaker’s gavel.”
“In this crazy world, there’s only so much you can control. This is my little way of feeling human.”
“We like to let Matt Gaetz have his little projects.”
“Irish.”
“Irish.”
“Fucking Irish.”
“It’s for the good of the republic that we remove Kevin McCarthy and replace him with a golden statue of the demon lord Mammon.”
“I have a theory that he’s a DACA child wearing a white man’s skin suit.”
“Marjorie Taylor Greene told me she’d crush my balls under a giant tractor wheel if I didn’t cooperate.”
“I just read his Wikipedia page for the first time and was disgusted to learn he cheated on his beautiful wife of over 30 years. Judy, call me. I’ll treat you better.”
“I once saw Kevin McCarthy thank his aide. We can’t have that type of disgusting behavior in Congress.”
“He’s backpedaling on his promise to murder President Biden.”