Republicans Explain Why They Should Be Trump’s Running Mate

“Trump is a solid, wrinkled lump, and I’m all smooth, limp, and stretched out. So I really balance the ticket.”

“Since he helped me lose Arizona, I’m more than happy to help him lose the entire country.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I forget to mention I had switched parties?”

“If the vice presidential debate includes any high schoolers I can loudly talk over, I’m a lock.”

“How else will he win Florida?”

“I want to prove to all the haters who claim I’m only running for president to be Trump’s running mate that they are correct.”

“Ohio will swing bright red as soon as they hear about my domestic abuse allegations.”

“I’ve proven myself to be an excellent scapegoat.”

“I’ll bring an unhinged presence to the campaign that makes him seem calm and reasonable by comparison.” 

“How is he polling among cowards nobody likes?”

“Donald Trump is getting up there in years, and I’m the only one qualified to pump out the same level of batshit crazy nonsense if required to assume the presidency.”

“With all the attacks over his antisemitic comments, he needs someone who has been willing to tell the truth about the Jews from the beginning.”

“Trump’s not the only one who’s hoping higher office keeps him out of jail.”

“I could soften his image as a sexist bigot while appealing to the ones in his base.”

“Being vice president would let me recover from my stroke in peace.”

“That kind of proximity to the president makes it much easier to kiss his ass.”

“I could finally spend some quality time with him.”

“I’m dead, but I don’t think he knows that.”

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