WASHINGTON—Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This routine test of the ESP will be automatically directed to every consumer vibrator in the country, which will simultaneously begin to emit quivering pulses until the stimulation drill is over,” said the commander in chief, noting that citizens should turn off any wands, plugs, bullets, or other electric dildos ahead of the test if they didn’t plan on becoming aroused at that time. “Remember, it’s only a test, so you will not be required to climax at this time. This is merely a safeguard to ensure the federal government can reach your erogenous zones if we ever need to quickly and effectively get you all off. We just want to be prepared in case, God forbid, one of our foreign adversaries ever threatens to make you come harder than we do.” The White House later released an Emergency Stimulation Program fact sheet detailing the creation of the national network of sexual pleasure devices during the Cold War, when the country was in a heated race with the Soviet Union to develop the world’s first military-grade fuck machine.