CHICAGO—Speaking over the terminal’s intercom in preparation for an evening flight to Boston, Delta Air Lines agent Sarah Epstein reportedly called Monday for all dipshit passengers to stand up and mill around in front of the gate before their turn to board. “Anyone who is a fucking moron and can’t understand simple instructions, please get up, walk over to the gate for no reason, and just get in everyone’s way,” said Epstein, who repeated herself so that any dumbass passengers whose zones had not been called would know it was still nonetheless their turn to bumble around by the gate with their mouths agape, bumping into other people and holding up the entire process. “Any fucknuts out there in the military or shitheads with children, you can come up here now and waste everyone’s time, too. To be clear, this is not because you’re going to get on the plane now. It’s just because, I don’t know, you’re too impatient and dim-witted to wait a couple fucking minutes. If you’re not an asshole, however, please remain seated.” Epstein also requested that any imbeciles out there with extra bags prepare in advance their excuses for why they’re attempting to bring multiple carry-ons aboard even though that is clearly prohibited.