WASHINGTON—Awarding him the position solely on the basis of his proven ability to torment his predecessor, the U.S. House of Representatives elected Kevin McCarthy’s eighth-grade bully Todd Jenkins as its new speaker in a landslide vote Thursday. “When you consider his impressive track record of putting Rep. McCarthy in headlocks, shoving him into lockers, and giving him cruel nicknames like ‘McCunty,’ there is no candidate better suited to lead the House,” Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) said of Jenkins, a 59-year-old tire salesman of unknown political affiliation who quickly unified the GOP caucus in a 220-1 vote and, in his first act as speaker, hit McCarthy in the stomach with the House gavel as hard as he could. “Time and time again, he has shown himself to be a true abuser of Kevin, and we were impressed with the way he took time to meet with all our congressional colleagues to talk to them about how our former speaker is both a ‘fat little bitch’ and a ‘homo retard.’ He’s already brought a bill to the floor on whether to hold McCarthy down in the speaker’s chair and fart in his face, a measure that passed overwhelmingly.” A press time Jenkins was seen knocking the House calendar out of McCarthy’s hands and telling him to pick it up.