WASHINGTON—Claiming to have acquired enough evidence to support the allegations, Pentagon officials held a press conference Wednesday to accuse China of being Chinese. “After a years-long investigation, we now have corroboration from numerous witnesses that China is definitely Chinese,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, explaining that surveillance shows the rival superpower has been amassing millions of Chinese people within its borders. “We have always suspected that China might be Chinese, but now we have discovered that President Xi Jinping and past leaders have been secretly letting Chinese ideology run rampant in their country for years. They’ve even gone so far as to invent an entire Chinese language and history; what else could they be hiding?” At press time, Pentagon officials claimed the situation had reached a level of concern they had not felt since they first suspected Russia of being Russian.