GREENVILLE, SC—Amid raucous, uproarious applause at the end of a stump speech, presidential hopeful Sen. Tim Scott (R-SC) was seen Thursday beckoning to a campaign rally attendee whom he wanted to bring backstage to fuck. “Why don’t you come on over to my campaign bus so I can tell you about this candidate and all his different positions—if you know what I’m saying,” Scott reportedly told a fawning 50-year-old Republican woman, adding that his team had informed him he had a 100% favorability rating among “fine-ass MILFs.” “You are gonna have to sign an NDA, baby, because you know Tim Scott’s a real freak. And I hope you’re ready to get nasty, because this former 30-year-old virgin is making up for lost time!” At press time, Scott was overheard saying that he hoped the rally attendee was on birth control due to the fact that “Tim Scott don’t wear no rubbers.”