PORTLAND, OR—Charmed by how remarkably cruel everyone was, visiting friend Kaitlyn Hickman told reporters Tuesday that she was pleasantly surprised by Portland’s open hostility toward homeless people. “I was really concerned before coming here that people were going to try to extend aid to those without shelter, but everyone here is so refreshingly callous,” said Hickman, explaining that she was shocked at how at home she felt after realizing that everyone blamed the unhoused for all the community’s problems. “I just find it so heartening that residents can step over people who are mentally ill and starving without even so much as a passing glance. Now I feel sort of stupid for thinking they would acknowledge the suffering of their fellow man.” At press time, Hickman reportedly thought the city seemed like somewhere she could really see herself heartlessly displacing families in the future.